I Need my Angry Eyes!

As probably any reader of this blog knows, I have a mild form of epilepsy called juvenile myoclonic epilepsy. My seizures manifest as twitches that most people never notice are happening. They also cause my brain to feel fuzzy and my body to feel a bit shaky. I generally only have problems when I am particularly tired or stressed, and I have been blessed this year to have the least problems I have ever had while teaching. I don't even really take my meds anymore since the side effects are worse than the epilepsy when I have so few episodes. For the most part though, it is simple yet another medical inconvenience in my life and not much more.

I have noticed occasionally when fasting that I seem to twitch more than usual, but it's not very predictable. I do not want it to become an excuse for eating when really it's that big of a deal, so I usually fast until I feel I need to eat. I normally am able to complete my fast before needing to eat, so I just try to stay aware of my body and listen to its needs without trying to "get out" of fasting.

The other thing that invariably will bring on twitches is (sorry if this is TMI) my period. I don't know exactly what causes that, but I guess it's all the hormones and other junk going on at that time. I often tend to get tired more quickly that time of the month, so that may have something to do with it.

Today was a perfect storm of twitchiness. It is that special time of the month for me, and it was fast Sunday. Additionally, church now starts at 1:00 which forces me to fast until about 4:30 when I would normally break my fast around 2:00 as my body seemed to generally reach its limit about that time. Almost as soon as we got to church, I started to feel shaky and faint, and I was quite twitchy. Nathan and I teach primary, so I told Nathan I would probably need to leave church the third hour once the kids go to sharing time. Sticking it out that long was already a stretch, but finding a sub at that point is annoying. Plus we were already there, and on time for once, and I love fast and testimony meeting. So I figured I could tough it out until 3:00.

What does all of this have to do with angry eyes, you ask? Well, I got through sacrament meeting, I got through the primary lesson, and we got our kids seated in sharing time ready to listen. I went to one of the Primary Presidency and told her that I was sick and needed to leave. Not exactly the truth, but the truth can be obnoxious to explain and it was close enough. I was really not feeling good at that point, and I'm sure it showed quite plainly. Her response to my pain? "Can you find someone to sit with your class?"

WHAT?!?!? I realize that my leaving would not be ideal, but I stuck it out as long as I could as to not put them in a bind by leaving during class. I deliberately waited until the kids were in Sharing Time so a sub would not be needed. I wanted to go home at 1:00! Also, those kids sit in the very front row right in front of the teachers. I knew they would be fine. Plus, every single class has two teachers--it would be a very simple matter to ask one of the teachers to sit with my class. Yes, I could have done that, and I probably should have done that, but it didn't really occur to me as I was twitching my way through church.

Really, it's hard for me to express myself and how I was feeling. I just felt that the response lacked such understanding and compassion. I really wasn't doing well, and instead of "That's too bad." or "What's wrong?" or "I hope you feel better," I got more of a "You can't leave us!" in reply. We have been super-reliable. I have rarely missed primary, and the times where I did I made sure I had a sub. My request was not exactly unreasonable.

I'm not exactly sure what I said, but it was something along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I'm leaving now." Nathan said I should have said, "I'm sorry, but I'm currently having seizures and need to go home." People automatically assume seizures are the violent grand mal type (as I did before learning more about them), so I'm sure no one would have tried to stop me then. For all she knew, I was about to throw up or something...that certainly isn't a time where someone is thinking about finding someone to sit in for them!

Anyway, I need to get over it and I know it. People are people. It did strengthen my resolve to talk to the bishop about being released. Nathan and I have been in primary for about 3 years, and we are both feeling very done. I had originally planned on not saying anything since we were supposed to be moving at the end of March anyway. Well, I'm now staying 'til June, and unless the Lord REALLY wants me in Primary, I really don't want to be there anymore. Actually, I want to be in Relief Society now so it will give me time to socialize and get to know people before Nathan leaves. I would really like to have some friends before then since I will be all on my own for a few months at that point. At the very least, the bishop needs to know I'll be on my own anyway, so I might as well bring up our frustrations as well and at least get some advice.

And that reminds me...I never wrote a post about getting my contract extended. I did, which is mostly a good thing, and I'll write more on that next time! I never even finished posting Christmas pictures. There's either nothing to write about or too much to write about and no time with which to do so!