The Mommy Rant

I know this isn't a big secret or anything, but I am REALLY struggling our childless state right now. All growing up, I thought I was completely devoid of maternal instincts and that infamous biological clock. Turns out I was very, very wrong and actually wish now I was right. We do not have kids, and I don't know if we ever will. Our situation is extremely complicated, and I just don't know what the future holds. This has always been a hard pill to swallow, but our current environment has made it even harder for me to work the feelings this causes.

(Before I continue, there is something I should say. As indicated by the title, this is a rant, and rants are not always known for their logic. I am a highly pragmatic person, but I am also a woman with those hormones and inconsistencies that our kind is famous for. I often feel like there are two Amandas living in my head: the logical one and the emotional one. You are about to read a lot from the emotional point of view, but that doesn't mean I can't see the other side of things. Most of you are mothers, so please understand that I mean no offense by the following. Anyway, carrying on.)

First of all, I'm LDS. For those who might not know, the LDS put an extremely high value on families and children. I don't dispute any of that--I believe it just as much as anyone else even if I don't have any myself. But it can cause moments of extreme discomfort.

Now, add on to that the fact that we are now a military family. I don't know why, but military folks in general feel just as strongly about children as LDS do.

When you put the two together, you get a lot of kids. I found out in mid-June that there are 20 women with due dates in or before September in my church. That means 20 babies will be born in 3 months!!! When we first moved here, the bishop (leader of our church here) told us that were 60 kids under the age of 2! I thought I went to church with a lot of kids before, but nothing can compare to what I am experiencing now. And the heartache it causes.

For example, I can't tell you how many times I've heard women make the comment, "I never understood our Heavenly Father's love until I had children of my own." Again, I can't dispute that, and I know that woman is truly bearing a testimony that is near and dear to her heart. The problem is, whenever that is said, I hear, "Those who don't have children can never really understand." I know that is not what is being said, but sometimes it is what I hear. (Perfect example of Logical Amanda vs. Emotional Amanda.)

Here's another one for you. I was at a Relief Society (our church's women's organization) meeting last Thursday, and it was about nutrition. As part of the lesson, we had a healthy salad-making demonstration and tasting. As usual, there was that awkward moment of "who's going to get in line first for food" that tends to happen at such things. So someone pipes up with, "Pregnant ladies first!" It doesn't seem like a big deal, it shouldn't have been a big deal, but it was. If I hadn't given a friend a ride, I would have left right then. I was close to tears and didn't want to be there anymore. I had already noticed that out of the 20-ish women there, about 5 were pregnant. And I'm 99% positive I was the only there who wasn't a mom, grandmother, etc. It made me feel less important than everyone else there.

That "less important" thing is what I probably struggle with the most. I believe strongly in gender differences and roles, and I feel that the most divine role for a women is motherhood. The problem with that is, where does that leave me? There's always the nice thought that, not having children of my own, I can be a "mother to all," but it feels like such a platitude to me. I don't want to be a mother to all. I don't want to be the "fun aunt." I don't even want to be the best the best teacher in the world. I want to be a mom, and this is possibly denied to me.

The other thing that makes all of this difficult is I know a bunch of people who live in my neighborhood who have a Mommy's Group gathering almost every single day. To their credit, I am invited to attend, and I did actually go. Once. They spent a good deal of time talking about circumcision and other kid-related topics. I understand that at a Mommy's Group, they are going to want to talk about their kids. But when it got so specific on one particular topic that I had absolutely nothing to contribute to, I was done. It's bad enough already that I have to steal my sister's stories (uh, sorry about that Lindsey!), but circumcision? Really?!? Can you at least try to make conversation about something that I can add to? I realized then and there this wasn't a good fit for me.

Which would be fine by me, expect that almost every single one of my friends moved away this month, and these girls are all the new ones that I had hoped to "replace" my old friends. Now, I have about 2 friends. And this group is all on Facebook, so I read almost every day about how much fun they all had together and how much they all love each other and how life is so much better now that they are all friends. Meanwhile, I am struggling big time with this profound sense of loneliness. Yes, I am trying to be proactive and do something about it, but it does get me down a lot.

There are a few people I know who don't have kids, which is really nice. But most of them are 18, 19, 20 years old. I don't get hung up on age, and I'm looking forward to getting to know them better, but I am 10+ years older than them and it can be a little weird. Many of them are newlyweds who go out drinking and partying on the weekends. Not only do I not do that because I'm LDS, but even if I did drink I think I'd be past that due to my age.

I feel like I just don't fit in anywhere, and everywhere I look there are a million reminders of what I don't have in life. And it sucks. I know this is a terrible attitude, which then starts this inner, conflicting dialogue. I want to have a more Christlike approach and view this time in my life with an eternal perspective. I want to be Sheri Dew (for you LDS people). But I'm not, and it is probably going to be a lifetime effort to even come close. I've always thrown a killer pity party, and this one puts all the others I've had to shame. It is not my nature to be optimistic, and it takes a lot of effort to change. I know what I need to do, but my follow through is terrible, and sometimes it's just easier to be miserable. I know that's a terrible thing to admit, but I suspect it's true of many people, not just me. Strangely, just writing all this out helps me want to do better, so hopefully now I can try a little harder and be a little more consistent in my efforts.

I guess I just have two more things to say. First, for all you mothers out there, please try to remember that not everybody is and some of us really want to be. Words can hurt, even words that seem so innocent. I know I've said my share of unintentionally hurtful things. Everyone has their own trials that makes them perhaps a little more sensitive to issues someone on the outside has never even considered. One thing I am learning though is how important it is to consider the implications of what you say and try just a little harder to think before you speak.

Secondly, when you are in a group of people, try to be inclusive in your conversations. I know your kids are your life and therefore the main topic on your mind, but not all of us have that. Try to reach out and find other areas of commonality that are more inclusive. When I was teaching, that was pretty much all I could think of to talk about, so I know how hard this can be. But it really is so, so important. I'm working on taking things less personally and finding way to steer a conversation to a place where I can contribute, but it really does have to be a mutual effort in order to truly work!