Adoption, Part 5

I should think of a new way to title the adoption updates...I'm going to lose track of the number! And with the ups and downs we've had in the last couple of weeks, I really should be on number 9 or something. I've just been bad about posting updates because they haven't been very good ones. Well, there was a great one, and then things went downhill. But there is a happy ending. :) Most of you will already know about most of this because of FB, but keep reading til the end. There is a great story there. (How is that for a tease?)

We did indeed meet with our counselor two more times. After the second visit we knew we were getting a nice recommendation letter from him. We had the third visit scheduled already, so we basically picked up the letter then. Quite obviously, we were excited. I even made an inquiry on a kid on a photo listing just to get an idea on how it worked, how long it would take, etc. I was basically told (very nicely) I was jumping the gun and hold my horses.

I called Marti, the woman writing our home study to see how things would go from here. She had to wait for Pam, the caseworker, to receive the letter and give her the go ahead. Marti then had to make one final visit to close out our one study. And after that it would go to the board for approval.
Home stretch, right? Ah, the ups and downs of life!

Last Friday we received a letter from Pam informing us that we had not discussed with our counselor the issues we were sent there to discuss. We thought we had done what we were supposed to, but there had been a misunderstanding. We were quite upset. The timing of this is very precise right now with all of the training Nathan will be gone for this year, and this set back was huge. We would have to go back to the counselor. On Monday we found out he didn't have any availability until march 1st...2 1/2 weeks away. This meant an adoption this year was very unlikely. On top of that, Pam told us a private adoption might be a better fit for us. That was very hard to hear. We don't have the money for that and we really feel we are supposed to adopt one of the "unadoptable." It was a bad weekend. And it didn't stop there.

On Monday, I received an e-mail from Pam, and at the end she said we might want to consider a private agency. I thought she meant we should have a private company do our home study and then continue to try to adopt through the state system. This would mean $1500 of our money for something that is currently free, but they are much faster. I was seriously considering it, and then we found out Pam actually was suggesting a private adoption from start to finish. With LDS services, we could afford it but it would take every cent we own. With any other agency...way too expensive. This has been very distressing for me as I worry it means she suspects we won't be approved. Really it probably is an effort to reign in expectations, but she has said things before like warning me how long it would take that I know was her trying to keep my feet on the ground. This was the first mention of possible rejection, so I am concerned.

Monday night I went to bed very depressed. And honestly, I felt a bit abandoned by God. There have been a couple if times I have prayed and fasted more than I ever had before, and it seemed like my prayers had gone unanswered. And the prayers were very righteous desires, so it has been hard to see my Heavenly Father's plan in that. This has been one of those times.

As I was lying in bed, I found myself almost "accidentally" praying.  Considering my abandonment issues, I wasn't really in the mood to pray, and yet I was anyway.  Probably an heavenly kick-start.  :)  I wasn't kneeling, it wasn't a proper prayer, and yet I found myself pouring my heart out.  I told Heavenly Father I wasn't feeling very close to Him right now.  I understood that was due to failings on my end, but I really needed some help.  I asked Him to "arrange" (for lack of a better word that is not coming to me right now) for a cancellation so we could get in to see Dr. Kennedy sooner than 3 weeks out.  Our timing is very tight, and 3 weeks won't allow for everything to get done by the time it needs to be done.  I told Heavenly Father that it would mean very much to me if this could happen, and that I really needed to feel His caring and love in a more direct way right now.  I needed to KNOW I wasn't alone.

Tuesday morning I received a text from Dr. Kennedy.  Not only was there a cancellation, it was for that Wednesday--the next day!  I don't know if I have ever received such a direct answer to a prayer before in my life.  I don't know that I've ever asked for such a specific request to enable such a direct answer.  I always try to have a "God's will" attitude.  That is all well and good, but this experience taught me that it is okay to ask for specific needs/wants.  Of course one must be prepared for an answer one doesn't want (I also know a bit about that!), and that is where God's will comes in.  This was such an amazing experience for me.  It was such a small thing, but I NEEDED that.  In fact, being such a small thing really emphasized for me the caring our Heavenly Father has for even the minute details in our lives that our important to us even if they fade in the bigger picture.  I can't say I have enjoyed every step of this adoption journey, but this was an invaluable reminder to me of our Heavenly Father's love.